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OCVarsity Voice: Ultimate Softball Fighting Championships not a joke
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OK, so maybe Carlos Arias is having a little bit of fun with his version of the playoffs.
Some of you might know that in addition to my duties as a high school football, girls basketball and softball writer, I also cover boxing and mixed martial arts for The Register.
One of my favorite past-times is debating hypothetical fights with friends. Who could forget Batman vs. Superman, Derek Jeter vs. A-Rod and a young Jack Nicklaus in his prime vs. Tiger Woods.
Then there was Mighty Mouse vs. Super Chicken, George of the Jungle vs. Tarzan and Ronald McDonald vs. Colonel Sanders vs. that Wendy's dude in a triple-threat match.
How about Anna Kournikova vs. Maria Sharapova or Scott Hamilton vs. Brian Boitano?
All were fights that should have happened, but us fight fans were only left to dream.
One of the greatest debates my circle of friends ever had was who would win a fight between Tony Soprano and Santino "Sonny" Corleone? It was determined that although T had the size and strength advantage, Sonny would be all jacked up on adrenaline and win via trash can to the head (Note: check out The Godfather I to see what Sonny did to Carlo Rizzi for reference.)
Another great debate was who would win a fight between A.J. Soprano and Fredo Corleone? I know, it's another Godfather vs. Sopranos matchup, but it's the two greatest chumps of all-time. After much fierce back-and-forth analysis, we determined that there was no way A.J. or Fredo would win.
With A.J.'s luck, he would trip on his way into the ring, fall off the ring apron and tear his ACL. He would get hooked on vicodin during rehab, attempt suicide, and be unsuccessful at that as well.
But Fredo wouldn't get the DQ victory because he would be cowering in the fetal position in his locker room never even making an attempt to get into the ring. Michael Corleone orders Fredo to take a fishing trip for his embarrassing showing, and we all know how that ends. So, the fight would never take place.
Sometimes you can't even make a match happen in a hypothetical scenario.
All of which brings me to my latest "Who would win a fight?" debate. I've been sizing up all the softball coaches in the county for my first annual Ultimate Softball Fighting Championships Tournament.
I would put together an awesome eight-man field of county softball coaches never before assembled by any fight promoter looking to put together fights between softball coaches (Note: softball coach fights are big in Belgium, or was it Estonia, nah, it was Luxembourg. See the "When Softball Coaches Attack" DVD).
My tournament director would be Canyon co-coach Lance Eddy. He is the only coach I would trust to be the tournament director. He would come up with a tiebreaker and bracket system so complicated and confusing only he could explain it, but for some inexplicable reason it would sound fair.
So here are the first round matchups: Steve Harrington (El Modena) vs. Jim Daugherty (El Toro); Dan Hay (Canyon) vs. Mark Takkinen (Fullerton); Jeff Jordan (Foothill) vs. Alan Dugard (Woodbridge); and Kevin Cody (Pacifica) vs. Mike Willey (Savanna).
Cary Crouch (Laguna Hills) will face Doug Myers (Mater Dei) in a special attraction and the winner will step into the tournament if any of the other competitors are injured and can't continue.
They would fight under the old "Vale Tudo" rules from Brazil. "Vale Tudo" is Portuguese for "anything goes." That's right, a no-holds barred fight with no time limits. The winner would have to win three fights in the same night.
Here's how I see it going:
Harrington vs. Daugherty: This might be the best first-round matchup. Daugherty is the more technical fighter, using his reach and jab to pick apart Harrington from the outside. Harrington, who used to be a bouncer, keeps coming forward throwing looping punches. There are some great back-and-forth exchanges. A wild overhand right connects on Daugherty's jaw and it's all over three minutes into the bout. Nobody has anything to be ashamed of. Both softball coaches left it all in the ring. Harrington advances to the semifinals.
Hay vs. Takkinen: The big boys step in the ring and are surprisingly light on their feet as they circle each other, sizing each other up and looking for an opening. Hay has the height and reach, but Coach Takk has the size and strength. After 10 minutes of gathering information with probing shots, Coach Takk shoots in for a takedown. But Hay is just as quick with his sprawl. Hay makes an unbelievable athletic move, locking in a flying kneebar and forcing Coach Takk to tap out. Hay moves on to face Harrington in an all-Century League showdown.
Jordan vs. Dugard: Jordan has youth on his side, but Dugard has a significant edge in experience in this all-Sea View League matchup. Jordan tries to tire out Dugard with a fast pace, but the crafty veteran has some tricks up his sleeve. Jordan catches Dugard along the ropes and starts unloading combinations. But Dugard is using the old rope-a-dope tactic. Jordan punches himself out and Dugard uncorks a left hook that lands flush on Jordan's chin. Lights out. The ref is still counting. Never bet against a Marine.
Cody vs. Willey: Cody has been calling out Willey for a long time and finally we will settle this one in the ring old-school style. Cody is a scrapper who likes to get into slugfests. Willey has been studying Kung-Fu with Shaolin Monks and the Wu-Tang Clan in the offseason. Willey has never been more prepared. Cody comes out firing, a whirlwind of punches of kicks. He never sees the flying Superman punch that Willey delivers. Willey by KO and it's off to a semifinal showdown against Dugard.
Crouch vs. Myers: Two of the smartest softball minds in the county think better of facing each other in a Vale Tudo fight. They decide to share a few pints and watch the rest of the fights from the stands.
Harrington vs. Hay: This could have been the tournament final. The two softball coaching fighters engage in an epic confrontation. Thirty minutes into the bout, neither fighter has seized the advantage. Finally, Harrington levels Hay with a right hook. During the chaos, Eddy races into the ring and bashes Harrington in the head with a steel chair, and slips out of the ring unnoticed by the ref. Hay is declared the TKO winner in the midst of all the confusion.
Willey vs. Dugard: Willey's Kung-Fu proves to be too much for Dugard's Kung-Fu. Willey's technical mastery frustrates Dugard, but the tough Marine will not give in. Willey lands a flying roundhouse kick out of nowhere. Dugard goes down and the referee steps in and stops the fight. Turns out it looked worse than it really was. It was a premature stoppage, but Dugard is all class and wishes Willey luck in the finals.
Willey vs. Hay: It all comes down to this matchup between Dan "Twinkle Toes" Hay and Mike "Fists of Fury" Willey. Hay enters the ring to the "Empire Strikes Back" theme. Method Man and the rest of the Wu-Tang Clan accompany "Fists of Fury" Willey into the ring. This is what it all comes down to. Who will be the first USFC tournament winner? The tension is at a fever pitch and the bell finally sounds to start the fight. Ten seconds into the fight an unintentional head butt opens cuts on both softball coaching fighters. The ringside doctor determines that neither softball coaching fighter can continue. The fight is ruled a no-contest.
I hate when that happens. We'll have to wait for the rematch, which will, of course, be on pay-per-view for $54.95.
Contact the writer: carias@ocregister.com
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